Brown Penny

Preoccupations – Dissapointment January 29, 2011

Too high hopes on some one, definitely kill. I experienced that yesterday. Of all the tryings we had been doing came to an end yesterday, with nothing in hand ofcourse.

(Though I’m not too fond of writing things in “yesterday”, but somethings happen for the best, I was too crazy to write yesterday.)

Well, there was another thing that was bothering me every moment in the day. (Maybe I’m just hyping it, but that’s how I felt.) Many a times, we play ‘What If’ with ourselves (we ask questions to ourself, what if this happens someday, I had done it too.) and yeah, exactly that happened, what I had thought (or played) would, infact for the second time. It’s true, no one has priorly time for anyone.

But yeah, in the whole trash of  a day, I did find my dose of happiness in a small little toddler playing with his mom, (and ofcourse in my, new found – long awaited – long searched for, shoes too.)  full of naughtiness, finding friends in everyone around and making everyone laugh by his small acts of innocence. Its funny, when we are happy we neglect these small happiness as if they don’t exist, but in grief, even the smallest of things mean the world to us. These get to us with the true meaning of life, i.e, cherishing life for the smallest of things.

(Preparing my sister for her school farewell on Monday, as it has been a big day in all of us’ school life.) I surely am cherishing life. (And reviving memories too.)

Just for you part 2 January 26, 2011

Doors closing down. Hopes breaking.

But it doesn’t mean I’m loosing!

(We will do it anyhow. I have faith.)

Just for you January 18, 2011

What a day!!

Just like when a rubber band is stretched, it tries to pull back to its original shape, this gives the stretchability of the rubber ( boy! what am I talking! I’m not here to discuss a rubber band and its properties.) similarly everybody strives to make the changes happening to them back to normal (its like a reflex.) and so did I.

I talked to people not even heard of or seen before, in a way as if I knew them from years. Got some positive responses, some rigid.

Well, but as it is, a rubber band stretches to its maximum stretchability before it breaks, and so I haven’t reached my maximum limit yet. And it won’t come until I restore my original shape, I am determined. (Original shape? Maximum stretchability? I must surely be going mad with all the talkings I’ve been doing. Dude, I’m talking physics!!)

In the meanwhile, I just finished watching Beauty and the Beast a while ago, a movie that I was made to watch when I was 8 by my school teacher. A funny one though, but it was always fun watching cartoons at 8 (though, for me, it is now also). But I really didn’t understand why exactly my school made me watch this? Was it that love Beasts, they will turn into handsome guys? Or that we can be alive again even after we are dead? ( Oh! ya, if it is, ofcourse, a Rajnikant’s world. Where it is, indeed, possible.)

Now, I just go on to watch my paused episode of Friends, and wait for tomorrow hoping that those positive responses turn into an affirmation. (otherwise, I’m always there to strive more!)

Exasperation January 17, 2011

So Life, you couldn’t shock me any more!

Of all the ‘detailed’ criticism I had about my college in my head, (specifically the people, that made it that way. Hate you all!) wasn’t it enough? That when I again managed to imagine the rough road as smooth, you snatched away all my support leaving me with nothing.

Though in my mind I still have it that, Life is all about roughness. But, human nature, I just can’t stop being anything but angry at you.

With my laptop’s battery dying out, and so is this post, in the hope of being able to adjust yet again.

BRING IT ON! I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE!

Embarrassment January 15, 2011

My freaky sense of humour made her embarrassed, I feel really
bad and guilty. The only good it did was to give me the courage
to write.(I am writing for the first time. I read occasionally.)

Wikipedia defines embarrassment as ‘an emotional state similar to shame, except that shame may be experienced for an act known only to oneself’.
Well said wikipedia! Riya is emotional and sensitive. It is said
that ‘girls tend to think from heart not from mind’. It’s correct.
She thought from heart. Sometimes we say things we dont really mean. That’s in a state of intense anger or in case of a poor sense of humour.(I have done both of the big mistakes. She’s really strong.)

(I’m sure you want to know what exactly made her embarrass). No I
will not tell you. I dont want to embarrass her more. Only my bad sense
of humour is to blame. It happened on texts. And what’s worse is
that even my phone call could not help her out. Riya, baby look at me
look into my eyes, arent they filled with true love for u?

I DID’NT MEAN THAT. Really I didnt. As I text her side by side
she doesnt seem to get any better. She’s hurt. Riya’s HuRt. Maybe
this(this article) will console her. Hope it does better than my words!

I want to apologise from the bottom of my heart. Please
dont feel embarrassed. I promise I wont repeat it ever again.
Your Afterglow is still here. It makes me go back again to those
sweet moments. Lovely!
I miss you.

Ps: This is my first write.(Except in the exams where we write bullshit to fill pages!)
Hope you understand what I feel and what I want her to feel.

Touch January 14, 2011

OH MY GOD! Was it! Now that was a day.

The feeling when you feel that string is just about to break and you just hold it right, is really inexpressible.(I experienced that today, really touchy, really the best.)

Satisfied and tired, now all I want is a warm and long sleep. Off I go, to my bed.

Awaited January 13, 2011

I have finally been driven over my laziness and days of nothingness (all thanks to my Mom, and ofcourse my huge craving for ice cream, which made me step out of the house.)

When laziness strikes you, even a step seems a mile and hectic. So, after a hectic day and the loud Lohri Dhol, (dancing around the bonfire in the cold with the Dhol has always been fun.) I finally get a chance to resume my affection for my bed. Sitting under my blanket and thinking about tomorrow (yes, finally the day has come, for which I have been really excited about, and a bit nervous too, though.) Not big, (but the wait surely makes it big) just important.

Thinking about tomorrow, I finally can doze off early today, because its excitement would never let me to. ( and ofcourse, waking up early is always a task!)

P.S – I know everything  in this post is circling around tomorrow, (and yet I haven’t even told what it is all about, but I think lets just let it be and hope for the best.) but thats all I can think about now.

Searching Peace January 12, 2011

Today has been a hell of a writing day. Every time I decide to go to bed now, I end up opening my other blog and writing something or the other. (though this writing is more a scribbling of emotions rather than the real writing.)

I am basically trying to search the reason for my insomnia and the thing that is hampering me, and all I can think about is feeling neglected in a completely self-centered conversation with someone least expected. Ya, now thinking of it thoroughly, I did have a peaceful day of total nothingness, that I wanted for a long while now, where I could be with my family and sit with them calmly. (and ya not to forget, I tried making chilli potatoes too, today, a good job considering the first time attempt.)

So, ya talking only and everything about yourself without even considering about me, (I know I’m not some princess, but the person here is important to me, you know, and its not likely of him) does make me loose my sense of talking, and kinda gives me a punch.

But, now after having a talk with him, I think I will be fine. Or no? Maybe my reason for this insomnia is because of a huge urge to watch Twilight for over a few days now, which indeed have piled up to an even huger extent now, because either I always found something else to do or I was too lazy too even open my laptop, and just sleep uselessly.

I hope, now this stupidness of mine may help!

In the meanwhile, Happy Lohri.

Growing up? January 12, 2011

I’ve developed with this sudden love for writing (which generally urges out more when I’m sad or depressed.)

Just trying to recollect what the last year, 2010, was all about, there are a number of things that come across my mind, but as it is, our mind first remembers the sad times, which too were many. From my academics to my social life to my love life or even to me as an individual.

With my third semester finally ended, my grades suck to an extent that have never sucked that much before. My college has been a hell of a ride ( which, mind you, was not the same for the previous semesters.) From me fighting with all my friends that I made in my entire life ( God! sometimes I wish I was not such short-tempered and problematic! But, hey! we learn from our mistakes.) and experiencing the bitter truth of lonliness. To the hell of a video incident happening, that shocked me till depth. ( where, by the way, this insensitive and absurd act of making the video was done by someone who called me his sister. You asshole!)

Though, this year, i finally found the guy for me, in my best friend (and I think I finally experienced it, what people have always said, love is best when it is with your best friend, because then no one can understand you better.) With all the harshness my life has been going through, this was always the soft part! (though there are always fights too where there is love, and so there have been in my case too, but they always fade away when the love part is concerned.) I just remembered I was not here to discuss about my love life but about the previous year, in total. (for more on my love life, in detail, i will have a post especially for it.)

So, continuing, with the festivals celebrations being to its maximum best, this year. With my sister, departing to go away to Canada for further studies. (though only for a year! But, its long, believe me!) With me going through some major breakdowns and then experiencing new solutions and ways of living life, i sure have grown!

With me doing hell of some insane acts, like going away to places with no one informed. (and now looking back at those, I sure must have been crazy enough.)

But, after a hell of a year, I can surely say that I was able to uncover the mask of life (to an extent though.) and learn this that I always thought as a child, can it really be? We surely grow up, without realising much, but when we look back at it, we do realise how much.

As for now, I don’t wanna grow that much, and enjoy my last few months as a teen! (as this is my year of 20, for which I have mixed feelings, as I surely don’t wanna be old so fast!!)

But, in the end, I just learnt, LOVE LIFE AND YOUR LIFE WILL LOVE YOU. And I love you, my life!