Brown Penny

With Love. Yours Truly. July 28, 2011

What is love?

Naomi: I have been trying so hard, so unbelievably hard to be polite and perfect, and to prove that we have something in common, but you know what, I am done trying, I’m done! This is me Liam. I don’t give a crap about how to build a boat and I hate nature, I hate it! If  you think I’m ever, ever going to go hiking again, then you’re out of your freaking mind. And if you don’t like me for who I am then that’s just too damn bad.

Liam (Kisses her): Look, I have been feeling distant from you ever since we got back together and I couldn’t figure what was wrong, why we weren’t connecting. You’ve been so polite, so not the girl I fell for. Because the girl I fell for was bossy and opinionated and sure of herself. And today, I finally saw her again.

So, being your own true self is one point. But, what if it is crushed down hard, each time? (And also made fun of every time you even try to give your opinion.) What if you are that emotional, or sensitive too for that matter? And it is always shun down as forcible cries and another drama. So, basically it is, how people want you to be, how people want you to behave, how they want you to talk (and even where to talk) and how, exactly, they want you to reply to their things. Just for once you miss it and bam, you’re gone! Then maybe, I’m just a malfunctioned robot, who misses it almost all the time, coz I don’t know how to behave, how to talk or even what and where to talk. Does that mean I do not have the right to be my own self or what, only because I’m so flawed?

Liam: So, you feel like your therapy session helped?

Naomi: Yeah. Yeah, definitely.

Liam: And do you feel better about coming forward for what happened?

Naomi: No! No! When I was at therapy, I really thought through what will happen if I do come forward, I mean everyone at school will talk about me, judge me, maybe even blame me for what happened. I wish I were stronger, Liam, I really wish I were. The truth is I’m not, and I’m not ready. I don’t know when or if I ever will be.

Liam (Hugging her): It’s okay. It’s okay. Naomi! Naomi! Sshh! It’s alright! I just hate that guy for putting you in that poisition. I hate him!

(And just the next day, Liam’s there messing up with his teacher, Mr. Canon, and putting himself up for suspension, just because he put her in that position – badgering her. Without bothering to give even a thought whether Naomi is bona fide, in the first place, or not.)

And so forth, here I am once again, supporting each other for everything, being the second point. (And having blind faith too, being the third. But, let’s not go to the faith thing here.) But what if, your worries and tensions doesn’t even trouble the other person. You have to deal with everything on your own. The moment you express, it’s tagged as another lament and farce. Where is the support, If it still has to be two individuals walking on a straight road.

Often I have heard, for any bond to work, both the parties have to bend a little to become intersecting lines at some point, coz otherwise, parallel lines never meet. Yeah, I agree adjusments and compromises are there, but if it’s only from one side, then is it fair? And to top it, it is covered up as the need for space between each other.

The other day I was reading an article, it was about a woman seeking counselling on having pre-marital jitters. Although, I’m not talking about marriage or anything so acute here, but one advice that the counsellor gave, fits in just fine here. There should be no tit for tat. It’s not a battlefield, so the minute you see him/her as competition, your relationship is in trouble. There are times that you will feel that your individuality is being threatened and that’s when you have to ask yourself, are you happy with the compromise being made? Is your compromise going to benefit the relationship?

Ergo, compromises and adjustments come out as the fouth point. (Completely chalking out selfishness, I think.)

Naomi: Liam! Liam! Hey! When is Obama gonna outlaw the gym class? Guantanamo Bay? That’s great. But Phys Ed? Seriously. Am I right? Mm, what’s going on, why aren’t you anwering my calls?

Liam: How’re you feeling?

Naomi: Fine! I mean fine! You know considering I was pretty sick, yeah. It wasn’t the flu, actually it was uh, food poisoning. Serves me right for eating the cafeteria sushi.

Liam: Just stop! Stop lying! I know you weren’t sick. I heard a car honk and you were driving, pretending you were in bed.

Naomi: Well, maybe the sushi thing happened afterwards and I wasn’t in bed per se, but.

Liam: You know what, Naomi umm, it’s over. I don’t wanna be with you anymore, you’re self-centered and you lied to me too many times. I mean I forgave the Cannon thing but, I just needed to talk to you and you pretended you had the flu. It’s just too much, I’m done.

Naomi: Oh my god! Like you’re so perfect, like you always do the right thing.

Liam: No, I don’t. But this, you and me, we’re done.

Which brings me back again, the fifth point being loyalty. I mean, I don’t understand what is the need to be fake if you say you actually love someone. And if falsities are involved then was everything you shared ever true?

Well, which again leaves me to this question, what is love?

Wholly, this is certainly one topic I can’t have any conclusion about. Any closures would be appreciated. (And I’m also no good in judging any sort of alliances, as I, myself, am in a clutter. So again, any accesions would be welcome.)

Just ending it with one question, whose answer I’d really be grateful for, Do I need a slave?

(And I better stop writing about love and heartbreaks now, before I start bugging everyone around, to which I also know, the limit has exceeded by way too much already. So I better stop now, alteast for sometime.)

Sirens in the Night.. July 25, 2011

As the Sun sets and darkness begins to overpower, quiescence begins to set in. Life coming to it’s repose and standstill cropping up to show it’s effect, the vibe of calm slowly wraps the globe. A silence begins to disseminate. (Here, of course, I’m not talking about the human Owls or the Night-Life buffs, I’m just mentioning about the simple “Night-Sleeping” kinda buffs. And well, now you might be thinking, what am I out of these, so might as well tell you, I am just a human Owl writing an article here.) It’s serene everywhere!

And after the dark proliferates it’s cover over the commonalty, I lie here thinking, whether this silence is really peaceful or is it eerie to me? Why does it disturb me so much? (Remembering here, an episode from The PowerPuff Girls, my favourite show as a little girl which used to be aired on my favourite channel then, the Cartoon Network. It was about a Boogy Man and his army living under our beds, who come out at night and spread scares and awry everywhere. I still remember that Black Guy very well.) What is scary for us, the night or the things associated with it? Yea, I know you would say, the things! Of course, most of the taboo takes place during the night, be it the unlawful acts or even the High-On-Spirits acts! Which spirit am I referring to here? Yeah, both!

Talking of spirits and the scares associated with it, spirits and ghosts are not the only category causing the spookiness. For me, Jokers are Ghosts! Ya, I am was scared of them. I remember, as a child once I watched a haunted show (and I ain’t any haunted show lover, my friend) which used to be aired on ZeeTV, I don’t remember the name, though. But, I clearly remember each scene falling one after the other, and the Joker and his creepy sound. Okay I agree, that sound and that Joker face still haunts the gut out of me! But that’s not the point here, the point is, as mentioned before too, does only the things associated with the night make it chilly? Well, sometimes it is just the night too, atleast for me it is. Just as I write this, I hear my reason for the night being so disturbing and horrifying to me, (as my heartbeat again rises to it’s peaks) I hear them, they’re the Sirens in the Night. Ya, the police sirens that go around everywhere at this time for our safety only (so-called) but, they just frighten me like hell in this lonely silence. (Maybe, some childhood memories or something, don’t remember.)

But what I remember is, what someone said to me on this, don’t worry, till I am there with you nobody can even step out to harm you, don’t be scared, and it still manages to bring a smile on my face. But, the fact that you aren’t around anymore is enough to take it away the very next moment.

And I am a strong girl now, I take the heartbeat pitching sirens each night on my own and still manage to sleep over them. And with this, I finally found my conclusion for Night too.

As the Sun sets and darkness begins to overpower, I look into the sky to find God twinkling at me and saying that even before the witching hour starts I am there to fade it’s cover away. I find myself surrounded by infinite meadows of heaven, the blossoming lovely stars, the forget-me-nots of heaven, protecting me always.

My Only Friend.. July 22, 2011

He hugs me when I’m low. He cheers me up when I cry. He listens to me patiently when I really need to talk to someone. He plays with me any time I want to. He understands me when I’m despondent. He comes to me to soothe me when my tears can’t stop falling. In the middle of night, when I suddenly wake up shocked from sleep, he is there for me. Whenever he sees me, he gets all excited and overjoyed, his happiness seen in his eyes. (Atleast there is someone whom I make happy.) And seeing him, I forget all the injustices of life, he gives me a reason to smile each day.

But, he can’t talk to me, even though he tries to do so in his own language. Although I can’t understand what he says literally but, sometimes words (or language, for that matter) are just not needed to understand each other. I can understand his each and every gesture for me, and he can understand mine. That’s why he’s always there whenever I need him.

After all, a caring heart speaks louder and clearer than any language in the world.

And he’s my only and the most trustworthy friend one can find. He’s the one who makes my life worth living again. He’s my reason to smile again. He’s my reason to embrace life once again. He’s my baby, my Oreo.

He’s someone who will never let me break my trust from life again. Someone who’d always love me equally without expecting anything in return. (But of course, his favourite biscuits.)

Someone I’d always look forward to waking up and seeing each day. Someone who has no selfishness involved with my friendship.

Someone who can love me and I can love him. Someone who’ll never hurt me.

 That’s how much I love him.

Someone, with whom I can share all the secrets with, without the fear of them being disclosed to the world. (Yea, had a soft cornered secret, or rather weakness and it was displayed to the world today by someone, a human someone. There are very few people I have come across in my life that I have loved and yea, he was one of them. And when referring by past-tense starts, then there’s surely a problem. Never wanted the past-tense to come my way this time. But, as I’m learning to be sane now, so everything is respected.

Coming back to my baby, Oreo, he is that someone who never lets me feel alone and never makes fun of that fact either. Someone who’d always be my support.

And yeah, someone who is very naughty too and keeps everyone involved with his tricks of notoriousness!

Oreo! View the cute Oreo in action! 

Isn’t he so so cute?

And that someone is growing up, and I’ll always be there for him.

The Decaying Graph of Feelings.. July 22, 2011

Frantic. Elation. Discouraged. Zilch. (And afflicted.)

Why is it that people always covet to overshadow all the happenings or non happenings too, for that matter, in your life with theirs? What if that person really needs some “under observation” treatment? Why don’t they ever try (or want to) to understand what actually is happening or how that person feels (or is feeling) genuinely.

She was happy doing the project together with him but, he said doing it separately in their own dens was a better option. As a result, both began doing the project in their own bases. She thought she had to complete it in a day, as the project had pissed him off enough, so it would make him exultant. Waking up the entire night, trying to figure everything out with absolutely no notion of the course of proceeding, hit and trial, she finally did it. She couldn’t wait to tell him, to see how thankful and relieved he would be but instead, she was loaded with new titles in her bag.

In lieu of being mirthful and offering her support, the demigod said she was selfish and ambitious.

Was she?

The Mask that Covers.. July 21, 2011

Am I talking about Make-Up here? Nah. Okay, even that’s a mask which covers most of  our faces (of course, you know, I’m referring to girls here) but that’s a secondary thing,  let’s not go there (yea, yea! I know, now you would say that I’m a girl and so, suddenly this has become less important. Surprise! I agree. My soft corner for it can’t stop  jumping to the rescue whenever I bring up this topic).

Anyway.

Ever given a moment to ponder upon what is covering each of our faces, hiding our  true self somewhere way beneath? Or for that matter, do we even know our real selves,  have we, ourselves, ever seen it? Right from being a toddler we are always taught that  crying is bad, we shouldn’t do it, only because it bothers other people around. We should always keep a cheerful face when around people, it makes a good impression. Impression? Yeah exactly! Pleasing people,  impressing them that’s where our lives revolve around (or rather, have been taught to revolve that way) but, what’s the use of such an impression when it is not even the real You. It’s your mask, held in the awe of socializing.

Are we so afraid to show our legitimate selves? Why are we scared, anyway?

If you’re gloomy then you are and if you wanna go crazy with joy, then nobody in the world should be able to stop you from doing that. C’mon! It’s your life anyway, it shouldn’t be bogged down because of some hobnobbed fears.

What will people think? I would look so wierd. These are the stuffs we talk to ourselves almost everytime we go out.  If you feel like wearing Orange, then go on, make it the new Pink! If you feel like wearing leather pants in the heat, then just do it. One life, remember?

But, is the mask only limited to being happy or sad? What about when you fake flatter someone, or when you fake cry, or when you’re just pretending all the time, to be good but actually, you’re totally something else.

Yeah! The Black Mask and the White Mask, was all I was talking about. The white one, doesn’t harm anyone, they’re just the ones we are taught to wear ( or rather, choose to wear) when around people but, the black one, they completely mislead and sabotage you. But, any mask, either black or white, is a burden.

It’s time to remove that mask and come out of that shell, let people like you or hate you based on what you actually are, not on what they want to see you as. Atleast you’ll not have that heavy burden covering your face all the time.

Coz life comes with a Copyright Tag.. July 19, 2011

Plagiarism. A rather strong term though, but fits in fine. The unauthorized use or close imitation of the language and thoughts of another author and the representation of them as one’s original work. Nah! let’s go with it being an intense term only, it is.

But, what about the plagiarism of life? That keeps happening with almost all of us each moment, without we even realising it. What about when a (fairly intelligent) friend copies your answer in an examination and you are accused to have cheated. Or when you share your secret thoughts with a close one, just to find out that they have been published to the world. Or when you find someone trying to portray to be just you, in every little thing that you do or have thought to do, trying to fit into your shoes at each step. Is it fair? ( Yea, I agree some of us would feel kinda high about it, after all someone is copying you but c’mon, be my apprentice then!) But, go find your own interest dude, is the only thing that most of us wish to say but, do we ever manage to say it, only because he’s a close one? I guess you know the answer, why. Well, moving on, what about when we are trespassed or eve teased, then does any of us (girls) come forward? Now, why do I find a No here when there’s not even a close one involved here? Maybe we’re just too panicked terrified of the consequences (and the questions) that we may have to face, not only from the trespasser or the eve teaser, but also from the rest of the people around.

Then what about us? Are we always meant to keep mum, just to save ourselves from the consequences and keep taking all the injustice happening around? I think, having cold feet is the cause of all problems, if we come forward and express ourselves then who knows, we might even end up being an inspiration to someone.

You need to come forward, ‘coz taking all the unjust crap is just not what you deserve.

Bhaag Bhaag Thulle LaaL Thulle LaaL Thulle LaaL! July 17, 2011

Yeah, a way too cheesy title for me but, after all it requires a cheesy title to describe the cheesy souls! Anyways, getting to the point.

This morning, I didn’t know why all of a sudden, I had this line come out of my mouth:

“Law makers only are the law breakers.”

Guess I know, now. Maybe it did have a reason even then, just an indication (or intuition, as it is said) of what was in store for us, later in the day.

Had a first time encounter with the tawdry souls wrapped up in Khaki. (Infact, now I think I shouldn’t have even referred to that as souls in the first place, piece of flesh is just fine.) Jumping a “yellow” light, was your reason to bounce at our car with your force of three? (And only if that wasn’t enough, you came all the way dancing on your Moped for that?) Dude, really, get some real work to do! Catch the people behind the bomb blasts in Mumbai, taking lives of so many and causing trepidation among the rest. Catch the people causing horrifying accidents on road, who’re easily allowed to let go, ‘coz there’re some rich brats! Catch the people who trespass each day! And the list will always continue, ‘coz you know what, none of the points can ever be marked as checked, if “this” persists. Yeah, the “this” I’m referring to here, is but of course, RISHWAT! Keep eating man! Keep eating!

And then I hear at radios and news channels (after the Mumbai blasts) by them, that we feel very badly as to how our image has been made. We fail to do things only because of lack of resources. If you give us a peashooter, then we can only shoot peas with it and not outrageous terrorists. I sympathized with them earlier but, not anymore, because all is in one’s will.

Had personally clicked a pic some time ago, and had been wanting to upload it, I guess it’s the right time to do so.

Where’s your helmet, dude?

And finally the skies cleared! July 16, 2011

When I am inane enough to write when I am inflamed, then writing when I’m calm and blithe is the least is can do.

You called for a cool breeze to come by and take all the turbulence away. Now the sea seems serene, the sky seems bright again, just by a look into your watery eyes.

You know, anger makes you a completely different person, like belonging to some other soul who wishes to destroy everything you’ve ever done. Indeed, there is a reason why it is said, nothing should be done in anger. Anyway, I’m just enjoying the peace and the composure right now, and all I can wish is that the state of my mind remains just the way it is now, forever. ( ‘Coz you know I’ve been a crazy lad, so it’s really unpredictable with me.)

But you know what, there’s a change in this crazy girl, she feels 20 now, and she’s sure of it. No more teenybopper stuffs now. They’ve finally ended. Happy to feel that way.

She walks in beauty, like the night

Of cloudless climes and starry skies;

And all that’s best of dark and bright

Meet in her aspect and her eyes

Thus mellowed to that tender light

Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,

Had half impaired the nameless grace

Which waves in every raven tress,

Or softly lightens o’er her face;

Where thoughts serenely sweet express

How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

And on that cheek, and o’er that brow,

So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,

The smiles that win, the tints that glow,

But tell of days in goodness spend,

A mind at peace with all below,

A heart whose love is innocent.

These lines, they are the closest to my heart and will always remain. One poem that I feel very strongly about. Maybe, I am in a poetic mood these days, so ending with another one, by me:

Just when I believed it was to die, you arrived and you saved it. You may not have realised the impact you had. But my soul was sure to die, when you arrived and you saved me.

All that she was worth.. July 15, 2011

Yeah, I can’t really write right now, state of mind (or heart, as I have clearly mentioned in my earlier post). But, can’t write and don’t want to write are completely different aspects. So here’s just some more of my crap, out of my crap bag.

All that she was worth came back at her. All that she ever deserved was summed up to those words. 71 words.

http://rachit91.blogspot.com/2011/07/someone-just-pushed-him-away-he-loved.html

Thinking that, whether saying all the positive stuffs and all the apologies really make any sense, when the beginning is enough to tell the person’s thinking. What’s the point in saying sorry when, actually what you think is, that you’ve done “nothing really” wrong, and you’re not even sorry.

The thing is, those 71 words are enough to tell me what you really think, and then the rest all doesn’t even make any sense.

Elephants in my stomach.. July 15, 2011

Something just fell so hard into my stomach, maybe it was some kinda freaking organ, heart.

I gave away my heart like a penny I thought you would keep it safe. But I didn’t know you had to take care of many. So you dropped mine to have  it all.

You know, heart is the strangest organ of all. We know trust is gonna be broken, dumb-headed lassie is gonna be cheated, life is gonna be screwed, heartbeat stopped, everything dead. Yet the heart, never stops you from reaching dead, yet the heart always keeps wanting to go back to everything, consider as if nothing happened, forgive everything. Man! This heart thing  is really out of my understanding limit now, such a powerful tool that blows Mind away! You know whats even stranger, the Master-Slave  relationship (yea, Flip Flops Digital Circuits and Systems, I think. You know mind blown away!) and yet, the heart constantly pushing you in that direction, but I’m gonna pull back. It’s a fight with my own heart, the most powerful organ so, I have to gather all the power I can, I have to be strong.

Maybe, it’s quite a long time now that I’m still holding on to 8th July 2011 but, maybe somethings never got fulfilled, somethings that, maybe, I was still waiting for. No one could even jot down a piece of write for me, not even a word, even when personally asked for it, when that was the most treasured thing of all. And yet it is said, everything comes from the heart. Yeah, maybe it is right, what you write and for whom you write comes from your heart, only for those who are special, maybe I could never be the one. And also, to a promise that someone made, but obviously no show of it since months, clearly heart and trust are contradictory words. But, maybe now it’s time to let go off 8th finally, that I was waiting for, maybe it was never meant to happen for me.

Glad to be “a someone (a friend)”.

I keep replaying the moment over and over again. I have to forgive you, but I don’t know where to begin. I feel trapped in my own thoughts. Is there a magic word or a candle I can light?
Is there something you can do to make everything all right?

With every scar on her arm,
She was courteous enough to think of your charm
You say you care, you say you love,
But you still manage to say you hate, and you’re done
She’s not a fool,
But she’s crazy about you
Can she smile and stay strong?
Only long enough to sing a song
She’s ready to take that seductive pistol to her lips,
But she shakes her head and trips
She screams at the world to end it all,
The world screams at her to just fall
All she needed was distress, that topped all these marks,
One to dispatch her, and take her to the dark
You were the one to push,
You were the one to shove
Now that sweet mystery is on her floor,
No one’s there to open the door
Blood leaks,
Her mom shrieks
Cries from above,
All she wanted was your love..

Yeah, I can’t really write now, coz you know, my heart fell into my stomach and blew my mind off.