By My Lonely Teardrops Fall May 2, 2012
Posted by Akriti Bahal in Anger, Breakup, Heartbreaks, Sad.Tags: Betrayal
2 comments
Have loads to say, to reveal and fulminate, but no words today, just a song that I sing, because you know what I don’t sting.
My words are precious, won’t lose their comity even in the moments most treacherous. So, I choose to keep them ensconced in my diary, safe, you may have successfully wounded me, but you won’t get to even touch them, believe me. After all, if I vituperate, cuss and if I lash, then what difference from you will I have?
*It’s better to be loved and lost
Never to be loved at all
I wish I could believe these words
By my lonely teardrops fall.
Time to heal this broken heart
I wish I could believe these words
By my lonely teardrops fall! *
But You Promised… April 21, 2012
Posted by Akriti Bahal in Death, Depression, Fear, Feelings, Fiction, Heartbreaks, Love.8 comments
The day had come, the time had reached
When she, first, outreached.
Standing at the verge of the cliff,
Was a tiny little bird
Scared to fly, scared to glide under the sky
Afraid
Covering her midriff.
Her mother pacified her,
Spreading together her wings,
Asked her to trust the world.
“Believe in the sky,
For it is your haven;
It will always succor you
Whenever you feel you’re lost
In the dense ocean of the mavens.”
She took her first flight,
Tough in trembles,
But mainly to show her mother
That she was old enough,
Independent, without any struggle.
Quailing, initially,
She finally began trusting the sky
She glided and fluttered, without any shy.
She limned patterns and traced movements,
But, maybe her joy wasn’t meant to last more than moments.
There came an Eagle, long eyeing the puny bird,
Clenching her in her mouth, and scampered.
But, soon after, a plucky bird came in the way,
Acted a knight, and salvaged her from the serrated cage.
Injured and wounded,
But, under the knight’s protection and care
She gradually learned to trust the sky again, here.
One day she voiced to the sky,
“Please don’t break my trust this time,
I wouldn’t be able to bear it this time.”
The sky promised to keep her safe,
It was her only harbor, away from any strafe.
The bird swung and flew merrily, gliding through the air,
And two years passed with a single stair.
Now, it was time for her to teach a callow bird
What her mother taught,
Sitting on the same cliff with thought.
Her mother’s thought, her knight’s thought, the sky’s thought.
And suddenly..
A fierce bullet shot her chest,
She lay in blood, struggling with her last breaths.
She groused in pain,
More than that from the shot,
At the sheet of trust being broken again.
She groused in pain, to the sky,
“But, you promised…”
When The World Blacked Out February 11, 2012
Posted by Akriti Bahal in Anger, Feelings, Heartbreaks, Humaneness, Life, Love, Sad, Struggle.10 comments
It’s strange how, sometimes, the saying- कभी कभी अपने भी पराये हो जाते हैं, begins to fit perfectly into the pits of your life.
Wondering whether humans are programmed to be impertinent animals or if humaneness actually exists, I go through conflicting thoughts within myself. Period.
Immense pain suddenly fills my soul, as I sit in the class enduring every tiny fleck of it. Counting every minute as it passes, I curse, as there are still three hours to go before I can rush home. Wondering if I’d be able to tolerate more, and further contemplating if I’d be able to reach home safely; I gather strength, bring in courage seeing that at least I have someone sitting beside me who’d make sure I land home safely. Someone I can rely on.
I tell my friend, “I’m having terrible pain. I don’t know how I’d be able to attend it for the complete time.”
“Tell Sir, go out and take a medicine”, I get a reply.
“No medicine helps me! I’ll bear it till the end somehow.” I try to tolerate the pain as it intensifies.
I, somehow, managed to hold the pain till the terminal, as the class ends. In hopes that my friend would care for my condition, I hoped he’d sternly offer to drop me home making sure I’m safe. Just to make sure I don’t black out and fall somewhere in between, in the route. But, the air abruptly darkens and a skirmish breaks out between us and results in criticism and- in the opposite. Unable to bear it more, I decide to go home on my own, covering the one and half hour long journey completely on my own, with this pain; though inside me I knew it would be really tough and still hoped for some help.
To my surprise, the very next moment my friend rushed his car past me, rushed it towards his home and I was left standing there all alone.
I gathered strength, and began walking towards the Metro Station, now the pain hitting my back as well. Amid my entire journey, I tried to fool the black outs and the dizziness many times, when finally they took over.
I tripped down with black out at the Inderlok Metro Station, the crowd suffocating me. I didn’t know whom to call, I didn’t know how to assemble myself again, I just wanted someone to make me sit. Everything was just black, I could hear voices which seemed like screeches. Chaos. More suffocation.
When finally, someone stepped in to help me, to take me to the bench and offer me with water. Within few moments, I could breathe again, I could see again. The air seemed to clear a little. There was still pain, though, but I felt better as oxygen rushed into my lungs. I called my Dad and finally, reached home.
Today, I was scared. Really scared, when alone.
I don’t know who helped me, I wasn’t in my senses, but whoever did, I’m really thankful. I really needed it.
In the same day, I experienced two paradoxical feelings about humans- कभी कभी अपने भी तुम्हे अकेला छोड़ देते हैं, और कभी कभी पराये भी तुमारी मदद करने के लिए आगे आ जाते हैं |
Still lying in pain weakening all my limbs, I wonder whether it’s selfishness or selflessness that will overpower if I began to estimate.
Well whatever it be, I learnt a lesson on promise day- Not to rely on anyone except your family, at least they’ll make sure you are always safe.
*Promise Day- Ironical*
Period.
They Haunt Me December 24, 2011
Posted by Akriti Bahal in Breakup, Heartbreaks, Love, Sad.7 comments
They annoy me
They terrify me
They bring in alarm.
They suffocate me
They depress me
They agonize my charm.
They haunt me when the world is asleep
The haunt me when the places call for a keep.
My sketching!
They rip me apart
When smile begins to take a start
They hit me hard
When teardrops roll down
Because of the piercing shard.
They haunt me in the bright daylight
They haunt me in the murk of the night.
Impostor; they are
Con; is their favorite time pass.
Double-crossing; is what they believe in
Flattery; is how they proceed with this sin.
Selfish; they be throughout
Obscurity; they bring in without any doubt.
Hideous; is their thinking
They screw your life without any blinking.
Obsequious; they are to boundless heights
They twist n’ turn, they squeeze n’ burn;
With this they squash your little soul, tight.
Success; is what they dwell for
Love; is their game
In the name of which; they mentor.
Manipulative; they are by birth
Treachery; they learn to unearth.
They rob your dreams
They steal your sight
While they call you their life.
They fool you
They break you
They cease you from your own life.
They shackle you
They murder you
While they enjoy with their second-life.
They haunt me under the flames of Sun
They haunt me in the frost of gun.
They haunt me when seasons change
They haunt me when festivities pour their rain.
They haunt me not because they made me cry,
While they laughed in frolic like the monsoons of July.
They haunt me because they snatched n’ slayed;
They made me hate Love,
When it was the only thing I did rely.
>> A girlfriend to her boyfriend- “Tu chahe toh tu mujhe apna password dede, shayad mere laptop se login hojaye, pta chal jayga ki tere laptop mein problem hai ya your account is hacked.”
Boyfriend- “Terko lagta hai main tujhe apna password dunga?!”
And that was a relationship!
(~Stupid imaginary friends~)
When World Seems A Clone December 23, 2011
Posted by Akriti Bahal in Earth, Feelings, Happiness, Heartbreaks, Love, Mother, Sad.Tags: countenance
22 comments
Is this world really our own, or it is merely something that we loan? I don’t know about the rest, but for me, this world is a clone. When I ramble in this look-alike space, my thoughts compile in their own way, and they too have their say -
Problems might overflow,
Anxieties might give you a blow
Cries from deep inside
Calling
“No life! No life! Please let me go,
Don’t keep me tied.”
Would cover you up like a viscid dough.
But believe me just go with the flow
Let life be at its low
Let the little red devils fill the gauze
Coz..
Suddenly, I implode
I’m standing there on the fast moving road;
Alone
Trying to recognize the place
When the world seems nothing but a clone.
Oh! I see a face in the unfamiliar crowd,
She is my childhood best,
She would not let me rest
In the daunting nest, I vowed.
I go up to her, I hug her tight
Feeling relieved in the unknown light.
She frees herself from my rind
Quizzical countenance filling her reign
“Who are you? Have you lost your mind?”
She walks past me
And I am left alone, yet again.
We might not realize the show
But, sometimes the person living inside you
Is your biggest foe.
It’s your own voice,
The voice of your soul
Clogging you up like a big black mole.
Hauling you down the airflow
But believe me just go with the flow
Let life be at its low
Let the little red devils fill the gauze
Coz..
I try to look around, panic filling the ground.
As I’m standing there at the freezing Pole
Shivering with its effect, skidding into the icy hole
Where the world seems nothing but a clone.
Uneasiness lowers, unrest halts its shower
When I see a face fastening a pullover.
Oh! I gasp.
He is my adolescent love,
Whistling there in rasp.
Hesitating my steps, I give myself a shove.
We share a short glance with a lifeless injustice
Stolid in his sense, he brushes past me unnoticed.
I remember the day, I remember the time
When you promised to never let me fade
In your lifetime.
Looking below in the frozen glass
I find myself alas, then
And I am left alone, yet again.
We call our life unfair,
We say it with complete despair.
We cry out loud
Because we think it is all a black hollow cloud.
But believe me just go with the flow
Let life be at its low
Let the little red devils fill the gauze
Coz..
Breaking into my thread once again, I see
I’m standing there at the bucolic countryside
That we called as beauty.
Cars pass by, but fail to see me
As if I was a puny fly.
It is all a hefty stone
Where the world seems nothing but a clone.
Tears roll down my eyes
When I see my mother far from the sight.
Fearing the chance
Believing that she would too give me the same stance.
But,
She smiles
She smiles at me
She smiles at me with the warmth of affection
She smiles at me with the balm of reflection.
Am I sane? Or is it just a delusive remain?
No! This time, I am not left alone, again.
My mom and me!
So,
Believe me just go with the flow
Let life be at its low
Let the little red devils fill the gauze
Coz..
When the world seems a clone
Your mother would still stand by you
As your supporting backbone.
And when it overturns,
It brings life with its own return.
Call for living with great divine, like a magnificent dive.
Let your soul ask you for its own life.
Self homicide – A Sin? September 26, 2011
Posted by Akriti Bahal in Heartbreaks, Love.Tags: Chocolate, Crackle, Depression, Die, Kill, Lonliness, Silk, Suicide
21 comments
Just the kind of demented girl, nobody ever wants to be, (or even have, for that matter) that’s the one who is there, right inside me.
And this rolls me back to November 2009, when a Crackle unexpectedly appeared in front of me. And THIS changed my life.
Not knowing then, how a petty bar of chocolate could devastate you completely from deep beneath. (And, already aware of the reality of the virile clan, that’s how I began my journey to make a fool of myself, yet again.) Trust began trickling down through me gradually, though with fear and incertitude.
Shit-soaked
And then one fine day, I opened my eyes, just to find ‘that-single-bar-of-chocolate’ revolving around my entire world and fitting in it completely. (Maybe, that was meant to be a good thing, but it was not the same with the ‘chocolate’. It had many distractions and varieties to blend itself with, just to form a new flavour.) Not finding even a bird-chirping or even an insect-squeaking around me, it was the only thing that I possessed in my life.
But, new flavours continued to fall in. From Fruit And Nut, to Bournville, and finally, to Silk. And then all that was there, was only Silk! Silk! Silk! The chocolate, my only chocolate, was ready to give up everything, just to blend itself with the au courant and the most popular flavour. Gradually, sharings and conversations decreased; selfishness and covertness increased. And finally, they reduced to zilch (or even less), when the chocolate stopped feeling the need to even show up in my chatroom, and always be pre-occupied in the Silk Factory’s chatroom. Clearly, it stopped missing me. And I was budged out. Egressed. And about my life, it ended (or atleast from the psyche, it has).
What next? The Rupees 30 Crackle grew into a Rupees 100 Silk.
All of a sudden, I woke up from my dream, with a parched throat yearning for a Dairymilk Crackle. I absconded towards my refrigerator, opened the fridge door, took out a Crackle and I-ATE-IT.
Arse!
In actuality, it’s been a really long time, I have been trying to run away, pretending everything to be fine, trying hard to smile with the crowd. But the truth is, it is not. I am not fine. The reality is –
Yes, I am suicidal. And I need help. I really do.
Any concerns? Care? No. Never mind, blessedness to the entirety.
For those who do, my email id is – enri.akriti@gmail.com. I verily need a therapist’s reference (please).
(Nah, all this crap flooding above, I had just been kidding. Enjoy your lives people!)
When the life-’less’ turn soul-’full’ September 20, 2011
Posted by Akriti Bahal in Happiness, Heartbreaks, Love, Struggle.Tags: Distress, Smile, Tears
20 comments
As the pink bracelet lies twisted and entangled, with the beads scattered on my bed, I look at the torn pieces of the envelopes screaming ‘Valentines’ Day’ and ‘Happy Birthday’, when a tear drops by.
Why did you depart from me?
I continue to gaze at the handwritten curves of emotion, when the soul-less silence suddenly breaks with a faint screech. Spanning my view everywhere, I find no one around. With the resonance of the ‘invisible-outcry’ replaying itself inside my head, I look down. And to my surprise, I find the fallen tear crying.
Refusing to believe at my eyes, but too late to retreat back from the notion, I asked the tear, “Why are you crying?” To which he replied, “Because I departed from you.” In the teeth of knowing the presence of falseness, which my heart refused to believe, I find myself diving into the ocean of reminiscence.
Those tiny broken pieces of a long-lost mirror, finding their way into a hidden crevice, sometimes playing games on light, sometimes reflecting those unguarded wounds she had chosen to be in denial about; like a memory that got lost in the din of that night she will never forget, a conversation that changed everything as it stood. A memory she had earnestly convinced herself was just another hallucination. When she lay on her bed with a rubicund glow, fiddling with her hair; her tresses falling over her eyes, irritating her but, she was too engrossed to set it right. When smile was her best friend and it never lost it’s way.When the whole night would pass by playing piano, guitar or nonsensical games, yet managing to find her way through the aurora with radiance. And then the magic wand swayed it’s effect, ruddy turned into stygian and sheen into defect. Rarely would she live, seldom would she smile.
Abruptly breaking my woven-web of retrospection, I found the wailing increase. The multi-shriek voices hypnotized me to look around, just to find the bracelet, the beads, the envelope shedding tears too. I ask them, “Why are you crying?” To which they replied, “Because we were departed from you.”
Up went my sight, and I looked into the mirror. And I find myself filled with, watery-yet-full-of-emotions, saline-yet-distasteful, tears.
Tooth Aches and Heart Breaks.. August 4, 2011
Posted by Akriti Bahal in Anger, Excitement, Heartbreaks, Love.15 comments
It pains, it has been paining for days now. It has worsened, the condition has intensified, I can take it no more.
Yeah. My tooth, it is agonizing me to the depths and the pain is causing me to re-fix my jaw after every 2 words of boxing with the keyboard. (Yeah! Boxing and slapping the keyboard, literally. Can’t be in more pain and exasperation, at the same time.) Wait! Did I just say, can’t be in more pain? Oh! How could I forget my “good luck”, that everything bad happens to me at the same time (in fact for my case, the bad never stops happening).
The tooth ache is still bearable but, what grieves me is the contour my life has taken (past plus present plus future, all included). My vanishing trust from Homo sapiens-type-things (yea laugh but, I just don’t feel like calling anyone humans, right now. Humans care. Humans have feelings. Things don’t), my increasing hatred for the complete clan, it bothers me. Maybe it’s the beginning of another Phoolan Devi era (butch, is what I’m trying to actually say here.)
Earlier during the day, I was so crotchety that I thought, if I would sit down to write something, nothing but expletives would come out but, when finally I managed to settle down to transcribe my thoughts, ready to explode, I’m here writing in agony but, sanely. Maybe, my inner self doesn’t allow me for the derision part or maybe because there’s an anaesthetic effect from my tooth medicines, which reminds me, of the tooth operation I have to undergo tomorrow morning and the very thought of it is enough to bring chills down my spine. (Sufferer of The Dentist Phobia, you see!) I wish I had someone (you) for my support, a shoulder (your shoulder) to drive all my terrors away, a hand (your hand) to calm me down. But, the truth is, I don’t.
I don’t usually share the kind of music I like to listen as I believe a person’s music is a window into their soul and I don’t want any more people judging me without knowing me but, just for a change, two pieces very close to my heart.
I love this song!
And..
Yeah, totally conflicting songs but, that’s what I’m going through, a conflict within myself, a commotion of thoughts. And in the end, it doesn’t even matter.
