When The Distance Matters.. October 26, 2013Posted by Akriti Bahal in Uncategorized.
Well, this time of the year has always been my most favorite, with Diwali around the corner, there’s this different feel in the air (or was) that gives you a strange sense of happiness (or gave). Back in Delhi, by this time the entire city inundates with the Diwali festivities, with multi-colored lights glowing in the streets, and houses and markets decorated. Going to each other’s houses, people coming over, getting gifts [YA GETTING GIFTS :P], it can make anyone happy. And the pooja, together with family. Gosh! I miss home so much, the sense of togetherness, where no matter how hard you hit rock bottom, you always had someone to talk to, someone who would care.
[I miss the long walks at night in the cool breezy weather.]
Here, it’s different. There is no Diwali feel, it’s like some part of me is missing, some void inside. No sense of togetherness or care. The hectic and mundane weekdays, get to you so bad, that weekends are just not enough to rejuvenate you for the next week (only if weekends were any different from the weekdays). After a certain point, life here, just gets depressing. You have so much to study, and that too all the time, that you don’t get time for yourself, and even when you do, you don’t understand what to do with it, like I said just depressing (even as I write this, there’s this sense of sinking feeling inside, with the truckload of work that I still have pending, with the four-walled room coming to eat you when you decide to take a break, with the loneliness that you actually realize when you come back to your apartment).
And then, in this sense of void, you begin talking with someone who knew you best, who listened then, listens now, advised then, advises now [though doesn’t care, I think :p , but still], and then you start rolling back to the times, going to a world which is not reality, missing everything all over again. So, in short, it’s just a viscous circle from which you can never come out, at least here.
It’s at this point of time, that you realize how much the distance matters, really it does.
But, never mind, I have come here just to study and for my parents, and would just do that.
P.S.: I am very thankful to someone for telling me about the Radio Mirchi station here, it’s such a stress buster, believe me. :)
Peanut Butter And Something October 19, 2013Posted by Akriti Bahal in Uncategorized.
So, it’s been a long time since I wrote a “happy post”, might as well write one today. I know I’ve been long advised to stop spewing gloominess all around me and start taking things lightly, but well, like usual, I’m not following anyone of your orders, it’s just that, I feel like it today myself. :p
So, what is that one thing (someone (?) ) that you cannot absolutely live without? And please don’t come up with an answer that starts with ‘N’ and ends with ‘G’ [Hint: Nothing :| ] Because c’mon, everybody has that one that thing (someone (?) (again :P )), that you cannot even thing of giving up even in your wildest dreams. Well, for me too, there was one (actually, many, but anyway :P ).
So, rolling back two years.
You make plans involving your present as well as your future in such a way, so that you never have to give up that one thing, so that you can include it with yourself where ever you go and however you go.
The two years back me, couldn’t even imagine living without it. (What? I’m not an addict! And it here is no form of drug. :| Or maybe, it is. :p ) But, then I somehow lost it somewhere, far away. However, I always told myself that how hard could it be, I don’t get attached to anything so easily, so it would be fine. But, it definitely wasn’t. All this while, there was this uneasiness inside, some sort of commotion going on, which I couldn’t even find a reason for. It made me irritable, cranky, gloomy, everything, but I couldn’t understand why.
And all of a sudden, it vanished today. There’s just peace inside, now. ^_^
It had been a really long time since I actually felt happy from inside, and that’s what I feel now, happy. [No more commotion or fighting from self. :) ]
Hmm? Trying to find any linkages between the title and the post? Well, there is, there is! C’mon! I love Peanut Butter and just can’t live without it and it was two years back that I discovered how much I was addicted to it; my one thing; my drug. :P
Searching Peace #2 (?) October 10, 2013Posted by Akriti Bahal in Uncategorized.
What the fuck is wrong with me?! I cancel my plans just so that I can email someone; all I want to drink/ eat whatever (basically feed on) is hot chocolate (addicted like hell) and chocolates, anything chocolate-y basically. I’ve no idea what’s going on inside me. It’s like a commotion (chaos, in literal sense) of feelings going on inside. When you don’t feel like going out (even when your Fall break just began), and when you stay-in, you feel lonely. #Weird.
I guess I have written a post with the same title “Searching Peace” long back too (don’t remember it exactly, and too lazy to check). Maybe I was searching it back then too, and I’m doing it still. :| I crossed fucking Continents just hoping that my stupid mind and my stupid thoughts would leave me alone, and would let me be in peace, but. I guess some chaos you make, that you just cannot come out of, no matter where you go. Your mind wouldn’t let you sleep, even when your body would be shouting for it.
Am I really happy? I guess not. Does it really matter? Again, I guess not. So, fuck it. #Ignore.
Anyway, so, finally got to experience my first mid-terms here; and man, it was different than what exams used to be back in India. Here, even when there is no TA or professor in your hall during the exam, nobody cares to even look around, the questions are more realistic and nothing based on rote learning, and ya, more objective too. All that said, but man, Algorithms!! Why? X(
Also, I had promised myself not to write anything until I get my new phone, and hence was deliberating (actually controlling myself :P ), but but.. Darn! Apparently, there is a month wait for the phone that I want. :'(
Now, back to the title of my post, as I had mentioned it before too (I think), I have been wanting to go a Gurudwara here for a very long time because the kinda peace that I get there is something I cannot find anywhere, and finally I would be going there tomorrow (at least I hope I would). Well, volunteering to work there is maybe just my way of trying to cleanse myself for all the pathetic things I’ve seen and been through, I know it’s not enough, nothing is, but I just can’t help it. I need my peace.
Posted by Akriti Bahal in Uncategorized.
of Past in Me..
September 26, 2013
Sometimes in life you’ve hurt yourself so much, that nothing else seems to matter after that. You try hurting yourself even more, only so that it begins to hurt again, but it doesn’t. You do things, just to make you hate yourself so much to hurt you, but it doesn’t work.
Well, I always believed that once I leave the country, I’d leave all the memories behind and never look back, the distance would be enough to overlook all the wounds and the time would be sufficient to heal them. But, I never realized that I’d leave…
The girl who stood by the balcony
Hoping that he’d come running
The girl who peeped through the window
Waiting to see him come by the side door.
The girl who cried her heart out,
Just so that it would workout.
Remember when you said,
“Once you fly away,
There wouldn’t be a moment of dismay,
Where you’d think about me,
Leaving aside all the sprees.”
Even then, she knew it was untrue
But, disguised it with her hatred through.
Today, she stands
Proving her point right.
Coz she’s the girl,
Who could never break it otherwise.
And yeah, also the girl who waited near her phone
Hoping that you’d call before leaving, for sure.
Coz when you left,
You took away a part of me,
A part of me that could feel.
And what we had,
Can never repeat.
Yeah, you gifted me the art of poetry. Up until now, I was just running away from that, scared to ever pick it up again. But, some days, the little remnants just spark back again.
[People call me hyper-active (crazy (?) ), but little do they know how much I’m killing myself from inside.]
[Well, writing gives me peace, and knowing that you read it, even more.]
# Now, the most important thing, I think I should stop listening to sad romantic songs ASAP, coz they’re somehow taking me back in time, which I don’t want.
Deviation Undeviated September 23, 2013Posted by Akriti Bahal in Uncategorized.
1 comment so far
Just 42 days in, and I already regret so much. Darn, what’s wrong with my sense of judging, in fact my sanity altogether ?! If I keep messing with my head so much in such short time, I’m definitely gonna go crazy (or bald [Shut up. Don’t laugh.]). :|
Regret #2: Believing someone to be a good enough friend (in such short time, no in fact, at all) to let your life secrets out, is insanity. No, the problem is in the word TRUST itself. Be it trust in friendship or whatever crap. Didn’t have the ‘whatever crap’ part in me anyway, but I guess, now, I should throw out the former part as well.
People judge you too easy, that I know, but if friends do too, then it was never friendship at all. (Or maybe only I thought it was friendship, in the first place. Anyway. #Drop.)
P.S.: If you can’t accept me during my worse, then you surely were never my friend.
Few months earlier, I had promised myself not to let anyone hurt me ever again. Ever. And, if I do, I’d slap myself hard. So, #Slap, it is, for me. [A ‘slap’ back to what I want myself to be, and have to be.]
There are very few people, to whom I really show my real self out, and up until now, I have been disappointed quite a lot (and again). So, I guess, my problem is- that I can’t friggin’ judge! #NakliDost. #Don’tWant.
It’s better to be a bitch, than to let someone hurt you.
P.P.S.: No messing with my head now, coz I AM BACK! :D
Regrets and Gossips.. September 17, 2013Posted by Akriti Bahal in Uncategorized.
There are somethings in life that happen or that you do, knowingly or unknowingly, and you wish they hadn’t happened, but no matter how much you want to reverse back time, it is just not possible. For me, there have been many such things.
Well, as if my life back in India wasn’t scandalous enough, that I had to come to Philly to experience more. [It’s like scandals follow me. :| ] Damn, my senses and my sanity! :@
ALWAYS BE IN YOUR SENSES !!! That’s the first thing I’ve told myself since then.
I have been thinking about a lot of stuffs a lot, over and over again, which only helped to mess with my head even more, wanting me to run away (yet again :| ), but then I can’t always keep running away from things, have to face them someday ultimately. (And just when I was accepting the situation and preparing myself to face it, I heard people talking in class, which was sufficient to roll me back to point zero.)
Sometimes, the stupid part of your brain overpowers and you end up doing things that you don’t expect from yourself, but it doesn’t mean you are that stupid kinda person, and it surely doesn’t give anybody the right to judge you. It’s just that you end up being disappointed in yourself for getting yourself into such a situation.
But, the whole point of writing this post here is, not to point out to anything or anyone, but just to kindly request everyone around to stop hyping everything so much, so that I can forget somethings and be normal as soon as possible. And, please stop judging!
P.S.: All said openly, once and for all. Now I don’t think anymore gossip is required.
So, to the people, I’m not crazy, stop the talk please, just had been going through confusing stuffs, hence the stupidity.
Amidst Assignments, Jogging, and a Salon Trip September 9, 2013Posted by Akriti Bahal in Uncategorized.
Okay! So, it has been a hectic and a really long week, and just when I was about to think that weekend would be a respite, it arrived to prove me wrong. All I’ve been doing for the past two days, is sit in front of my laptop, trying to finish assignments (that seem rather unending), and save some reading time out for me, from the already passed 48 hours, but I couldn’t. :(
And, still I have loads of work pending, aargh !
Anyway, apparently, a new-found-love for me these days, is jogging in the chilly-breezy mornings of Philly. With music plugged into my ears, that moment of my day is indeed the most peaceful one. It gives me time to think about the things I have been running away from, plus it helps me run away from stuffs that I want to run from. :P (Confused? Well, leave it. Just read it as: I’m a born runner. :p )
# Jog + Regurgitate + Music = Peace.
And !! So, after days of deliberating and surveying, we finally made our trip to a salon, today. [People in India: You maybe thinking what’s the big deal in that; well, come here, see the prices, and then kill yourself. :| ] We excitedly found the cheapest place around, but still it turned out to be expensive, but anyway. :|
So, that place. It was just like the ones in India, it so reminded me of the place that I had been going to for years, plus somebody spoke to me in Punjabi after weeks, and it felt like.. Gosh! Home.
Now, back to the crazy assignments and work load part. Okay, so I have been getting messages from people to please post about the course load and stuff (and stop writing about the free food :P ), so here it goes:
To be really frank, when I was there in India, and I used to read seniors’ posts mentioning that the assignments will kill you; it will be very hectic; you won’t have any time; and the other repeatedly heard stuffs; I used to say to myself, how hard could it be. Well, I’m a dedicated person ( :P ) and I’ll manage it. But, then I came here. Just one week down, since the classes began, and I have 5 chapters to finish, a whole assignment to finish (which is like 5 assignments, in its own! ), and another subject to look upon too, after all that.
Yes, it’s really hectic. But, in the end, it keeps you on your heels all the time, which is good. And, I sort of love being so-freakishly-busy all the time, and yet managing to squeeze out time to spend time with friends, do other things that I like [or wash ‘bartans‘, or clean the house :P, which reminds me, I haven’t completed my this week’s household chore yet, damn. : Run! ]
So, if you decide to take this step, then better be prepared for it. We didn’t just come here to party, right?! [No! I know what you’re thinking. Please don’t think that loud. And please stop. :P] On a serious note, you’ll enjoy as you work off your ass here, because it’s going to be something concrete, and not just dilettante (like back in India. #Sorry).
As I finish this post, I receive an advice side by side from a friend, and to quote him, “Don’t believe on people too much here; you are alone.” I wonder how much true that is.
Ciao till next weekend! (Or until something really raunchy comes up and I just can’t stop myself to write. :P )
All That Hype, U.S.A. ? August 29, 2013Posted by Akriti Bahal in Uncategorized.
This is supposedly my first post after I came here, to Philadelphia. “Supposedly”, because I have been trying to write before this too, but somehow never managed to get to the end of it, (all those half-written pieces are in my drafts now). Maybe there’s something in Philly’s air that just makes you too lazy, or maybe there have been too many things going around inside me. Yeah, the feelings, the transition, the living, everything; it was hard to digest during the first few days (though those first two days, after I landed here, have been the best, or rather I should say, the most peaceful up till now.)
At the time when I was leaving India, I was repeatedly saying that the feeling isn’t just sinking in, that I’m actually leaving my family, my friends and everybody else around whom I knew, for quite a long time, but now two weeks down the line, (and especially after the first day of classes today!) I realize what that feeling is. Well, even though there is a different kind of freedom and you seem to be enjoying every bit of it, but deep down even you know that you’re missing the people for whom you really care. (Yeah, I miss India. :( ) But, okay, no more sobbing here, now an update on my new life and new ventures. ;)
So, life here is very different, it completely changes the motive of your living. Lemme number them:
#1 You attend all your University events (which you never even thought of going, while in your undergrad college, coz you thought they were way below your standards), coz there’s free food (and free .. umm :P )
#2 You go to parties thrown by almost anybody (which would never happen back in India), coz there’s, umm, free .. (food). :P
#3 Although, many more things, but lemme just put a last one. And, no matter how stuffed you are, what you never say no to, is FREE FOOD ! :P
Gosh, well now the people who know me, know how unbelievable the last point is for me. :p
Okay, on a serious note, you do make some really good friends, since you have to be with them almost all the time, you share with them almost everything, since they are the ones there with you, [And so, your bitching and gossip continues here also. :P ] and ya you do learn to be more mature and independent. ( :P )
For the past two weeks, all we have been doing, was roam around in the city, attend various events, hang out (or in) with the newly-made-friends, but now that the real reason why I came in here in the first place, has finally begun, i.e., CLASSES, it’s time to get serious. And, study and work hard. Yes. So, no more fun, for sometime now. ( :P )
And, ya, adding to my above list, going to Atlantic City too. ;) This post deserves one pic, know. :P
And, P.S.: Varun, Ankit, Nishant, Nikhil , I miss you guys !! (See, writtten, now be happy. :D )
The Goodbyes.. August 10, 2013Posted by Akriti Bahal in Uncategorized.
A word that’s never easy to say.
A word that can not be conveyed in any other way.
A word that’s the hardest to say.
As the time approaches near, I see sentimental faces all around me, trying to hide their emotions. My Mother cries, from time to time, my Dad expresses through his words, my brother supports me no matter what, and my friends do special things for me, that I never thought they could do ( Happy? :P); all these make me feel how important a part I am in your lives, I’m really thankful to all of you, for so so much that you’ve done. I love you all and I’ll miss you all, so very much !! I wish I could take all of you with me !!! Damn!
And, well about the word, sometimes.. you just can’t say Goodbye.
The *Not Supposed To Be Here* Post August 8, 2013Posted by Akriti Bahal in Uncategorized.
*This post is not meant to be read by anybody else, but me.*
Yes, this post was never supposed to be here, never, but sometimes some confrontations to self become really necessary for the person to be able to kick start life, afresh.
Up until now, I have just been running away, running away from everything that reminded me of the past, brought back memories or even ignited the tiniest bit of the “feeling” part in me. But, that left me a lot uneasy too. Yes, I chose to be a stolid person all this while. And then, last week broke all my hard work to be strong. I thought I would ignore it too, like I have been, but then again, yesterday brought me face to face with past again, where I was sandwiched between awkwardness on both sides. It was hard, spending the whole day, thinking things which I would never have otherwise. I guess, life just wanted me to confront with my feelings once and for all, and stop masking around, before I go on to begin the new phase of my life. Maybe, yah, I needed my closure.
(I never really understood what Deepika Padukone meant in Love Aajkal when she said, something’s still stuck; well I do now. I guess, something was always stuck inside me, and I just didn’t want to believe that, but it needed out.)
Whatever running away, I might have been doing, it only left me tired, mentally. And, whatever reasons I might have had, they were only left unchanged ( or unanswered, maybe? I don’t know). But, what holds importance now, is that, yes I was not over him, when I should have been; yes it was not that easy, and I was all messed up (when I shouldn’t have been), and I didn’t want to show it. That’s it. Confronted. Done. Now, I hope I’m able to feel light (off of a heavy load) after all these years, and I hope I get my closure with this.
(I know my friends would be really annoyed with me for doing this, but I really needed this to start again, I just couldn’t keep lying to myself all the time.)